Title: Lost (Chapter 1)
Pairing: none yet (sorry!)
Cast: Jared Leto, Colin Farrell, Ewan McGregor, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Shannon Leto (kind of)
Rating: PG-13 i think (tell me if that's wrong)
Summary: After Shannon dies in a car crash, Jared feels lost without his big brother. Colin, Ewan and Jonathan (with whom he shares a mansion for preparing for a movie) try to steady the desperate man, but he doesn't make it easy for them...
Disclaimer: no harm intended, don't know them ...
Warnings: english is not my mother tongue, so there might be some flaws.
Feedback: this is my first fanfiction, so please tell what you think about it! (no matter if it's good or bad, though I'd really prefer good)
He didn’t realize that his body was trembling nor that the white pillow got slowly but steadily drenched by his own salty tears running down his temple. He didn’t hear the soft, frightened voice behind him saying his name again and again nor the violent pounding of the rain against the window. All he could see through his blurred eyes was his brother’s face lying beside his own. His eyes wear shut tightly and calm as if he was just sleeping a peaceful dormancy, but the soft, hazel eyes behind the lids did not move.
He heard himself sob uncontrollably, but he didn’t mind it. He stroked his brother’s lifeless cheeks, trying desperately to keep his still body warm, although the warmth was long gone. He found his hand white and shaking. He moved nearer
His mind was too full of thoughts to think one of them clearly. He couldn’t think about what would happen to Tomo and the band and he couldn’t think about how to tell his mother that her dear son just died, hit by a car. He couldn’t think about what would happen to him now that the only one who had always truly understood and unconditionally loved him was gone. All he could think about was this beloved face beside him that he somehow had thought would stay with him until the end.
Suddenly he felt a hand lying on his shoulder and he heard Colin’s rough yet tender voice shyly whispering: “Jared …”, but he didn’t look up at him. He knew Colin stood beside the bed watching him grieving
But he felt Colin’s hands around his breast pulling him gently away from his brother’s body. He couldn’t help but let himself be dragged off by his best friend.
Colin almost drove like a maniac, desperately longing to get himself and Jared back to the mansion Danny had rent as fast as possible. Unfortunately the mansion was somewhere in the midst of nowhere, miles away from the hospital. That was why Danny had chosen it for the four men to stay, so they could, as he used to say it, “feel what it’s like to see no fucking face except for each other’s for two bloody weeks”, just like they would in Danny’s next movie. But Colin was quite sure that they’re wouldn’t be a movie any more after what just had happened, at least not with Jared.
He took a quick look of his friend who sat at the front passenger’s seat, his forehead leant against the window. He had stopped crying and endlessly repeating
Colin couldn’t stand the stillness in the car, but on the other hand he had no idea what to say to Jared to make him feel a bit less desperate. He would have liked to simply fling his arms the sleeker man’s body and hold him in a tight embrace, so he could cry all his tears out, but even now there still was this offish distance Jared always seemed to want to be kept between him and the rest of the world except for Shannon, that Colin was afraid to break. So he really had to push himself when he shyly laid his hand on Jared’s still slightly trembling one. Colin didn’t know if it was just the apathy that had crept over Jared when they had left the hospital or if he actually welcomed Colin’s touch, but Jared did not withdraw his hand from Colin’s.
When they entered the mansion Colin could immediately hear Ewan and Jonathan’s voices from the kitchen. They sounded just as usual and Colin was looking forward to meeting the two men and letting them take a bit care of Jared as well for he had no idea how to cheer him up. Colin placed his hand at Jared’s back who had just pulled off his black winter coat, but Jared said without looking at Colin: “May-Maybe I better got to bed now.” His voice sounded weak and rough at the same time.
Colin dared smiling assuringly at the American. “Come on”, he said trying real hard not to sound too pushy. “It’s just Ewan and Jonny. Don’t ya at least wanna say hi to them?” He didn’t know why, but somehow leaving Jared alone now simply felt wrong. Jared seemed too weak to argue for he just lowered his gaze and let himself be led into the kitchen.
Colin heard their childlike arguing voices before even entering the room.
“You can’t say that, Jonny!” he heard Ewan’s usually friendly voice saying determined. Colin smiled merely. “I mean, ya could just as well say that the Lord of the Rings-films were better than the books!”
“Well, now that you mention it …” answered Jonathan cheekily.
As Colin and Jared entered the old and, compared to the rest of the mansion, small, but homely kitchen, they found Ewan and Jonathan sitting together at the kitchen-table looking seriously in each other’s face.
Ewan who hadn’t recognized Colin and Jared’s arrival said, as if he was on the edge of breakdown: “Jesus, how can ya live with yourself?!”, but Jonathan had spotted Colin and Jared and didn’t answer, so Ewan turned around. Both men looked enquiringly at Colin. He merely shook his head so that Jared wouldn’t notice.
Ewan’s look softened immediately as he looked at Jared. He got up and whispered merely notable: “Jared …”
But before he could say more, Jared interrupted him: “What were you arguin’ ‘bout again?” Colin could hear that he tried to sound easygoing, but failed.
Ewan and Jonathan exchanged a worried look, obviously irritated by their friend’s behaviour. Nevertheless Jonathan answered: “Well, Ewan’s just trying to squash my right to Free Speech.” And with a sulky look at the Scot, he added: “Again.”
Ewan immediately defended himself: “I’m sorry, Jonny, but you actually said, My Chemical Romance were a better band than Oasis!”
“So what?” Jonathan asked innocently, but he was obviously fond of annoying his friend.
“Oasis!” Ewan shouted unbelievingly.
“Well, they’re music simply sucks, honey”, Jonathan answered hardly managing to suppress a wicked smile.
“God, you’re such an emo!” Ewan sighed, giving up the discussion, and turned towards Jared again. Colin watched the two men curiously. Ewan was the type of guy who seemed to get on with almost everyone, who had got tons of friends that all really appreciated him and even more easy acquaintances. Yet Jared was the only guy Ewan couldn’t really get along with. Not that he hadn’t tried to. Ewan’s behaviour towards Jared was just as lovely and outgoing as towards everybody else, but Jared wouldn’t engage with him. As Colin knew, it always took Jared a lot of time to confide in someone. But Ewan didn’t give up that easily. He always acted as if he didn’t realize the coldness Jared treated him with. Even now Ewan cared about Jared just as much as he would have cared about Colin and Jonathan.
He said with a calm voice: “Jay … I’m so sorry” and he placed his hand on Jared’s side as if he intended to hug him, but Jared pulled away quickly.
He whispered barely able to speak at all: “Don’t …I’m … I need some sleep.” He didn’t look at any of them, before he hastened out of the kitchen door.
Colin sighed and sat on a chair on Jonathan’s right, but Ewan didn’t move. “Should one of us look after him?” He asked the Irish men.
Colin shook his head. “I guess he wants us to leave him alone. At least for a while.”
“What happened to that guy who was with
Colin smiled. His friend always cared so much, even about people he didn’t even know. “Tomo”, Colin answered. “He’s gonna be alright. But Jay didn’t wanna see him. Ya know, it was Tomo who drove that fucking car …”
“But I thought, the accident wasn’t his fault”, said Ewan.
“Yeah, tell Jay…” said Colin simply, and Ewan dropped the topic.
“I’ll go get us some food”, said Ewan and left Colin and Jonathan alone.
“He still can’t just do nothin’, hu?” said Colin looking after the Scot. Jonathan smiled merely, but he didn’t say anything. He seemed, just as Colin, unaware of how to deal with the whole situation. Dealing with other people’s problems was not one of Jonathan’s strengths.
For what seemed like an eternity, they just sat beside each other in silence, but unlike the silence between him and Jared on the ride back from the hospital, this silence felt incredibly good. It helped Colin to bring his thoughts in order, so they were clear and arranged again. He turned to face Jonathan who looked moonily out of the window obviously lost in his own mind and said unbelievingly: “My Chemical Romance?”
Jonathan looked at him and smiled. “Yeah, honestly I’ve never heard any of their songs. I just wanted to tease him a bit”, he said and shrugged.
Colin answered Jonathan’s smile and felt a bit easier.
Jared lay in his bed his left cheek pressed against the soft cushion and looked out of the window. The rain had stopped falling, but therefore darkness absorbed the sky. Jared couldn’t help trembling and sobbing hard from time to time. He felt lost now
Another sob escaped his shaking body, when he heard the door open and someone entering his room. He didn’t turn around. Whoever it was Jared didn’t want any of the guys to see him like this; desperate and destroyed, crying into his cushion like a little baby.
“Hey, Jared, I brought ya somethin’ to eat.” Jared was merely glad to recognize the voice as Colin’s. He felt far easier with him than with Ewan and Jonathan. Somehow he couldn’t get along with the two of them.
Jared took a deep breath and turned around to face Colin. He had put a tray with Chinese food on the nightstand. He looked worried. Jared sat up in his bed. “I’m not hungry”, he said with a fragile voice. He really wasn’t he felt literally unable to eat.
Colin sighed and sat down beside Jared. Jared knew he must look horrible, his eyes swollen and red and his face white as a ghost’s, but for some reason letting Colin see him like this wasn’t as humiliating as he had thought it would. His eyes met Colin’s dark chocolate-eyes that seemed to try to read Jared’s mind.
“Jay, please, you gotta eat somethin’”, Colin pleaded him. “Just a little bit.”
But Jared shook his head. How could Colin even imagine that Jared could eat something now?
“Come on, Jay, I can-” he began, but Jared cut him enraged: “Colin, just leave me the fuck alone, okay?!” He felt incredibly furious. Why couldn’t he just leave him alone?! Why did he treat like a little child that couldn’t decide for himself what was good for him?!
Colin lowered his gaze as if he was unable to look into Jared’s eyes. His lips merely trembled when he said with an almost scared voice: “I’m sorry, I …” He got up and left the room without another look at Jared.
When he shut the door Jared felt his heart aching even worse than before. He hadn’t wanted to upset or even hurt Colin. He knew that he only wanted to help him and now that he was gone, Jared wished he hadn’t left him all alone. He wished Colin would come back and sit beside him and just be with him, maybe even hold him. He looked down at his hand and he felt Colin’s gentle touch again. Tears filled his eyes again and he felt another thrust of sobs subduing him.
Colin lay in his bed, his eyes open and awake, staring at the ceiling, as he did so many times. The first days here he, Jared, Ewan and Jonathan heard had gone out and hit the bars every night, so Colin could drink himself into sleep. But tonight none of them had been in the mood for going out. Ewan and Jonathan had gone to bed quite early, much to Colin’s dislike, whose insomnia would keep him up the whole night again, and Jared had not left his room the whole day. He had tried to read a book, but he was certainly no reader, so he had thrown it on the floor after it had taken him twenty minutes to read the first two pages. He looked He looked at the watch on his wrist, whose enlightened numbers told him that it already was three in the morning. He sighed, rolled on his side and closed his eyes. Why hadn’t he thought of buying a new pack of sleeping pills?
He was cursing himself harshly, when there was a dull knock at the door. He got up and, wondering whether Jonathan got freaked out by a spider in his room again, opened the door.
He found himself looking straight in Jared’s face. His deep lakes of eyes that some hours ago had looked at him with fury, maybe even hatred, now were beseeching him mutely, harmed and wounded, searching desperately for help. Jared’s voice trembled and sounded afraid when he said: “Can I- …Can I stay with you tonight?”